Aka: Family Violence; Teen dating violence; Spousal Abuse

Domestic Violence is a pattern of assaultive, abusive, controlling, or coercive behavior including physical, sexual, spiritual, emotional, and psychological tactics, as well economic coercion that is used in effort to gain or maintain control or authority in an intimate relationship.

Does Your Partner

□      Call you names or put you down

□      Put down your friends or family members.

□      Hit, scratch, bite, push, or choke you.

□      Call to check in on you once or several times a day.

□      Make fun of your religion or beliefs.

□      Control who you talk to, what you do, and where you go

□      Control the money: gives you an allowance; tells you what you can buy; gives you little or no money

□      Threaten to harm family, friends, or pets

□      Threaten to take the Children

□      Uses the children to control you

□      Accuse you of having an affair

□      Look at you or act in ways that scare you

□      Stop you from seeking or getting a job

□      Take your money or Social Security, make you ask for money, or refuse to give you money

□      Act like the abuse is no big deal, it’s your fault, or even denies doing it

□      Destroy your property

□      Intimidate you with guns, knives, or other weapons

□      Force or threaten you to drop charges

□      Threaten to commit suicide

□      Threaten to kill or harm you

If you any of the above is true, you maybe in an abusive relationship.  See below for more information.

Types of Abuse

Physical abuse:

Slap, punch, or kick

Push/shove

Restrain

Intimidation:

Punch walls/doors

Smash things

Frighten by looks, gestures, or actions

Display weapons

Emotional abuse:

Put down/use insults

Call names

Accuse you of flirting or cheating

Make you feel guilty

Isolation:

Keep from going places (school, work, etc.)

Disapprove of friends and relatives

Question about whereabouts

Keep from using the car/truck

Minimizing, denying, blaming:

Make light of abuse

Say that abuse is your fault

Blame someone or something else

Using children:

Tell children he/she is not a good father/mother

Threaten to take the children away

Tell children they don’t need to follow your rules, undermining authority

Sexual abuse

Treat like a sex object by making sexual comments, groping, relentless unwanted touching

Make you engage in sexual acts against your will

Threaten to sleep with someone else if you don’t have sex

Coercion and threats

Threaten to harm

Threaten to harm friends or relatives

Make you do something illegal

Signs of a Battering Personality

• Becomes excessively Jealous
• Checks up on you through out the day; calls excessively
• Quick Involvement in a relationship
• Has unrealistic expectations of you
• Isolates you from friends and family
• Blames others for his problems and/or feelings
• Has low self esteem or is insecure
• Is hypersensitive
• Is verbally abusive: name calling, putting down you, your friends, and family
• Is possessive of you
• Is bad tempered and easy to anger; unwilling to control anger
• Displays violence by hitting or throwing things
• Alcohol and Drug Abuse
• Has rigid gender roles
• Has a history of being a victim/witness to domestic violence
• Lack of sensitivity for you, your needs, and others
• Denies responsibility for his actions
• Lacks communication skills and/or intimacy
• Has problems with authority figures
• Dependency
• Is self-centered and only concerned for their own needs
• Controls all finances
• Accuses you of having an affair
• Threatens family, friends, and pets
• Threatens to take the children

These are only some signs of an abusive personality.   If your partner relates to any of the above traits you may want to call and get more information and seek help.

Reasons Why Victims Stay

• FEAR of being hurt, losing children, or of being alone.
• CHILDERN need both parents
• DENIAL “It’s not that bad” 
• ECONOMIC dependence “Who will support me and the children” 
• PRESSURE from religion and family 
• SHAME/HUMILIATION “I don’t want anyone to know” 
• SECURITY of finances; of living the American Dream
• GUILT Everything is your fault 
• LEARNED HELPLESSNESS there is nothing else I can do but live with it
• DUTY/RESPONSIBILITY “Marriage is for Life;” It takes two to fight
• PITY for your partner.
• LOVE You truly love your partner and have hope things will get better

Warning Signs of a Victim

• She has unexplained bruises.
• He is moody, withdrawn or depressed.
• She's stopped seeing friends or has given up favorite activities.
• His spouse/girlfriend uses alcohol or drugs.
• She has fallen behind on work or misses several days.
• He is suddenly hostile and secretive.
• Her boyfriend/spouse is possessive and jealous of others, friends and family.
• His spouse/girlfriend keeps tabs on him.
• She seems afraid of her spouse/boyfriend and fears breaking up with him.

How to support a loved one who is a victim of domestic violence

Extended family and/or friends often realize a situation is harmful and dangerous for a victim.   Many times you may feel helpless, angry, frustrated, confused, etc…

Some things to remember

§         Leaving is the most dangerous time for a victim

§         Leaving is not simple, easy, or necessarily the correct choice at the time.

Some things you can do

§         Believe the victim.  Some abusers are the nicest people in public, you do not know what happens behind closed doors.

§         Educate yourself.   Learn more about family violence, legal options, shelters, etc…

§         Understand the victim.   What are the reasons they stay and what solutions can be done about those reasons.

§         Be supportive.   This is often difficult when you feel a victim should just leave or they continually return to the abuser.   A victim needs to know they have someone in the world other than the abuser.

§         Reassurance.  A victim often loses their self identity and self-esteem.  This takes time to build back; a victim will need your support and reassurance.

§         Safety Plan.  Safety is key for the victim, children, and you.

§         Never Blame.  Abusers are responsible for their own actions.